Invader Shrek
by Kyetge
Summary: Invader Ek was slated to be one of the Tallest someday, until his trial planet eco-colonization backfired. Now his DNA is no longer fully Irken, he's ineligible for leading the empire, and something as obscene as magic may be the culprit. Currently a crack one-shot. Enjoy the cancer.


"Better out than in, I always say."

A sharp gasp followed those words, and two green hands clasped over the mouth that spoke them.

They were his hands, too big by Irken standards now.

The stunned silence that followed broke at one of the Almighty Tallest's hemming and hawing.

"Ah, um... just stay put _riiiiight_ there."

The two Tallest whispered to each other frantically, sneaking peeks at one of their best-performing Elites. He had just answered one of their questions about his work injury - but it was off. It wasn't the Irken way of answering things. The Control Brains silently took in and processed the information behind the figureheads, an ominous sign.

"Aaand... what happened to your antennae? You don't look like what we have on our records anymore. What abomination did you come across on your planet?" Almighty Tallest Red just had to ask.

Invader Ek struggled to find the words. "I- I had ninety percent of the biosphere contained. It was nearing projected completion time for its Organic Sweep-"

"Answer the question asked, Invader." The Control Brain spoke. Its voice slapped against the walls of the Room of Appeal with a hard, artificial edge that threatened to constrict Ek's throat.

"I was met with a final wave of resistance from the surviving keystone sapient species. They call - called - themselves Oogres." Ek was scared. He could almost taste his impending banishment. What was explaining going to do? What was the best-case scenario for him? The Control Brain just wanted his information.

He steeled himself once more. "Their space warfare was underdeveloped or nonexistent. All their resources went into attempts to sabotage my peat harvesters and my Base of Operations. And the air was so moist, My Tallests. I couldn't escape the agony. I ultimately failed to infiltrate their society. It was a _filthy_ place. They carried out anti-hygienic rituals with their own waste. They armed themselves with concoctions where their brute strength wasn't enough. _I called for Irken backup several times_."

"Oooh, well, we were busy dealing with Zim's constant... reports. But go on."

Invader Ek's face furrowed with distaste. _They were busy with Zim? But wasn't he banished?_ "The Oogres were worse than Slaughtering Rat People. The Oogrean Resistance finally overpowered me inside my own Base the day a transport unit was scheduled to arrive for more fuel pickup. They're one of the few reasons I am still alive, Almighty Tallest. The Oogres even tore apart my SIR unit. I had nothing left to defend myself with. And I expect to receive the heaviest of punishments for my results."

He bowed his head, taking in his own bloated form. Bits of his outfit were shredded beyond repair from the struggle back at his assigned planet. His antennae could move no more, as they had become part of the new flesh that sat over his skeletal structure. He recalled the burning feeling and then numbness as the muscles near his protrusions appeared to melt lower than possible and settled around eye level. They had splashed him with something that made his entire body writhe and burn with bone spasms.

"You were going to be next in line for the position of Tallest, Ek." Tallest Red spoke. "But looking like that isn't going to help matters." He pointedly stared at Purple's elegant abdomen-squeezing corset, and then motioned at his own.

"When did the swelling start, Ek?" Purple shifted the focus back to the Invader's bodily damage. "Is it ever going to go away?"

 _That's the biggest issue_ , Ek thought. _It doesn't seem to be improving_. In fact, his shoulders and hands began growing after the acidic splash landed on the back of his head and dripped down to his PAK. A few thumps to his squeedly-spooch had him winded as he took in the paralyzing sensation of his antennae melting off. He replayed those memories several times in succession, and finally answered with something plausible.

"I don't know, My Tallest. My intelligence did not have any information from previous probes. It could be a chronic allergic reaction to the heavy presence of water..."

The Control Brain behind Red and Purple spoke once more.

"You cannot be a leader of the Irken Empire in your current physical form. However, your contributions to fuel harvesting and processing technology need to be passed on for efficiency. You also cannot be banished."

"Yeah, that works, I guess." Red fished for a tall container of soda behind him and slurped on it, passively bewildered. "Right, Purple?"

Purple stood off to the side a little, so Ek couldn't see what he was thinking.

"What would Miyuki have done in this situation?" he quietly asked himself.

"You are far more important to us than many others in the Elite forces. but now you're just... really swollen and ugly. You want to recover from this, right? Who knows what it's doing to your growth expectancy..."

If the slightly shorter Irken could have perked his antennae up, he would have. Control Brain was taking an awfully long time to come to a definite fate for him. Did that mean they would make an exception?

"He did pass his existence evaluation. So he's at least got that going for him." Red mentioned it casually, like it wasn't such a big deal. But Ek's fear for his future rooted him to the spot. He could feel his defaced cranium throbbing again.

"If you do not come to a timely decision, Invader Ek will be demoted to janitorial services," Control Brain prompted. "He will not receive a repository period to tend to his body."

"I can't be seen in society like this! I have status! The other Elite respect me still." Ek pleaded, apprehension driving his breaths to faster and faster rates. "I will do anything, My Tallest. I just cannot be seen here on Irk. My peat harvesters are impervious to any further native attack on Oogre. They're there to stay, and fuel pods can still reach them. My work is not done!"

"Ughhhh. Why don't you join Zim, on his stupid little made-up planet? Nobody will see you then," Red jeered and rolled his eyes. "I was busy trying out new flavors of candy powder from someone _else's_ successfully conquered planet, but we had to return to the Appeal Room for _you_."

"No... no, please! Can't I just be sent to a medical pod for self-rehabilitation? I really don't know what's going on with me-!" Ek's increasingly frantic pleas were drowned out by the Control Brain confirming the Tallest's decision.

"That's it, we're done here! You can go say hi to Zim for us. Maybe lecture him for taking up so much of our, ah, time," Red shooed Ek away, and Purple shrugged noncommittally. That had been too much heavy thinking for both of them today. Too much ugliness.

"There's usually a reason why Control Brains make decisions for us, you know. You're dismissed. Go to Earth." Purple ended the Appeal Session, and Ek was pushed out of the room.


End file.
